Major Life Events

Major life events – both expected and unexpected, exciting, and upsetting – can be overwhelming. Just like in any family at a time like this, putting our children first might be hard because we are trying to cope with our own emotional needs as well as the situation itself.

We might feel pulled in many different directions as we try to take care of our family, especially our children, who also need our support.

Telling your child about a life-changing event like a divorce or moving to a new city can be so hard for parents, but keeping the dialogue open really does help everyone transition and heal.

We have collected some pointers from other parents of children with disabilities and special health care needs on how to talk to your child about 3 major life events: moving, death, and divorce. Each of these (and other major life events) brings all sorts of changes to a family. And there are similar strategies for coping with them, including two-way discussions, compassion, and honesty.

How to Help Your Child Cope With Big Changes

• Reassure your child that your love for them has not changed. Comfort them, love them, and stick to your routine as much as you can, so they know that they can count on you for stability and care.
• Help your children express their feelings – be it with speech, electronically, or with drawings and pictures. It’s normal for children to have trouble expressing their emotions. Talking to them weekly or daily can help ease the burden.
• Keep a routine. Most children will feel more secure with a schedule and an organized home. When they go between 2 homes, for example, writing down or drawing pictures of the evening routine at each place – like eating, brushing teeth, and putting on pajamas – will offer comfort and familiarity.
• Pay attention to your child’s mental health. If things get worse after a few months, it might be a sign that your child is depressed. Outbursts, poor concentration, sleeping problems, and a lack of interest in usual activities are all reasons to get professional help.

Coping With the Death of a Loved One

Understanding the death of a grandparent, other family member, family friend, or even a pet is confusing and might spark many emotions in a child – from anger to anxiety, to grief or acting like they don’t care what happened. It’s important to remember that their grief, however expressed, is powerful and part of the healing process.

We have outlined some tools to help your child accept and understand what has happened:

• Look at photographs of the person (or pet) who died and share memories if possible. Also, show your child any sympathy cards.
• Explain what will happen at the funeral, laying it out in steps, so you can prepare your child and help them understand what the funeral will be like.
• Make a memory box to honor the deceased, letting your child pick things to go in it. Or, make a book with stories about the person. If it’s their grandmother, for example, you can write or draw some of the special things she and your child did together.
• Some children need more space and time to express their emotions after someone dies. They might not talk about it, but sometimes they express feelings by acting out. You might need to find professional help if their behaviors concern you.
• Assure your child that the death is not their fault. Keep up your familiar routines as much as possible to guide your child through the grieving.

Moving to a New Home

Moving is another life change that can be confusing for your child. For children with disabilities or special health care needs, packing things into boxes and saying goodbye to a house and friends might be overwhelming. But you also hope that it is a great adventure for your family, which includes making new friends, exploring new places, and getting to know a new neighborhood or city. Talking about some of the exciting things coming in the future can reassure a child that the move is an adventure worth taking.

With younger children, try to keep explanations simple. It’s sometimes helpful to use toy trucks and other props to create a story about how the move will happen. Also, let your child know that you are not throwing away their possessions, only packing them into boxes to unpack later.

If your child is a teenager, they need a different sort of support. They might have established friends, or a move could mean they miss something important like the prom. Teens need to know that you hear their concerns and you respect them. Just like with younger children, you can take away some of their fears by helping them find out about their new school and city, meeting people, and learning about their classes.

Moving Tips

• Research the new school to be sure they offer the same special education services you are used to at your current school.
• Have your care notebook handy or your school records and medical records organized and easy to find. They might just be the first things you need when you get to your new home. Make extra copies of your Individualized Education Program (IEP) to share with the new school and teachers.
• Get a Letter of Intent (LOI) from your child’s doctor and therapists explaining your child’s diagnosis, therapies, and their daily needs.
• Ask for a meeting with your child’s new teacher to talk about goals for the school year, and take a classroom or school tour.
• Get a 90-day supply of medications so you don’t have to deal with refills right away.
• Do an online search; join a parent listserv in your new city or town; or ask your child’s doctor for a referral to find the right doctor, medical home, or therapist in your new city.
• If your child has serious medical issues, looking for the hospital closest to your new home – or picking a home with a hospital nearby – might also make your move smoother.

The Value of Social Stories

Consider using a “social story” to help your child understand major life events. Social stories, which are told about specific events, explain step-by-step what will happen and reduce a child’s anxiety.

There are hundreds of social stories online (see links below), but consider using them as a guide to write and draw your own. Only a parent can tell their family’s story with the compassion and details children find comforting.

Social stories are not for presenting the big picture, for example, about why parents divorce or why Mom is getting married again. They are smaller, specific stories. You can explain the divorce in a few smaller stories, including how your child will get back and forth between houses, where the family pet will live, and how bedtime routines might differ at each house. Generally, teens are too mature for social stories, but driving around with them in a new neighborhood, for example, and talking about places to explore is another type of storytelling that shows you care.

These stories are not meant to change a child’s behavior; they give accurate details about an event and a preview. If your child has a chance to learn about 1 day or a piece of a life change, they might have an easier time with the whole concept over time.